Everything You Want to Know About Online Dating, From a Guys Perspective

Online dating is a vastly different experience for men and women. And since I only know what it’s like as woman, I wanted to pick the brain of the opposite sex, to provide my mostly female readers an insight to the world of online dating, from a man’s perspective. Because I bet a lot of women don’t know…

I sat down with one of my improv teammates, Bruno (he’s hilarious, very smart, can always be found in a pair of Chucks, has a killer beard, and a super sweet guy) to talk about all things online dating. In Bruno’s words:

THE PLATFORM

I mostly use Tinder and Hinge (and yes, I did give Bumble a shot). With dating apps, there’s an unspoken window. It’s approximately seven days to have a conversation and then set a date. If you miss that window, it doesn’t feel like you can go back and talk to someone you previously matched with.

So it can feel like you don’t have a lot time, especially in a city where people work a lot. I go through dating cycles. I get tired of the dating app scene, take a break, and then come back. And then BOOM! I’m matching left and right. Which leaves me in situation where I have conversations with 5 people in 5 days — overwhelming.

The whole app thing is strange, because you go on a lot of dates with a sense of a person. Whenever I’d go on a date with a woman, I can tell within the first five minutes if we have a bit of common ground.

It’s intensively rare for women to start the conversation, which is standard protocol, I suppose. But it makes it tough, I feel like I always have to make a decision. So when a woman swipes right, it can feel more meaningful than it really is. After that first swipe, it’s on me to be clever, and engaging, and to stand out from the other dating noise.

SWIPING RIGHT

Ratio of single of guys to girls is in my favor, for sure. But in the app it’s you against everyone else. And you know the people on the other side have swiped the same amount of times you have. It’s really easy for it to feel like it’s a game. It feels dispassionate until it’s not, and you start talking to someone. It’s a weird line to tread.

I don’t swipe right for empty profiles. Even though I’m not looking for something permanent, I will still read your profile. If I don’t jive with what you said, I won’t swipe right.

I do actually read your profile, it shows when you put effort in it

What I swipe left for:

If there’s a picture of you and a tranquilized tiger or you’re holding a fish on a boat— I’m out
If a woman has a height restriction — No thanks.
If there isn’t a single interest listed — I need a bit of something to go off of, so what makes you unique?

Then it’s going with your gut. And yes, physical attrition is important but it’s not the end of it. I don’t want to swipe right for a woman who I’m not attracted to by their photos, because it feels like it’s setting it up for failure. It’s also too easy to go in with expectations.

THE FIRST DATE

I have a ‘no drinks first date rule.’ Two reasons. First, as a guy in DC who works a lot and struggles with weight, it can feel like an up hill battle. Between staying fit, keeping on budget, being a functioning adult, etc. It’s all a balancing act. And second, dinner and drinks is a bit… boring vs. being able to stand out. In lieu of drinks, I’d like to walk around the neighborhood, go to a museum, grab a cup of coffee. At the end of the date, it can organically lead to other things.

I’m actually all about getting to know the woman.

I feel that by not being at a bar, it’s a way of valuing our time together as people. At a bar, I have the same two conversations over the same ten dates. Not to mention, steering a first date away from a bar means the natural lulls of conversation won’t feel so forced. Why stack the deck against yourself, when you can actually have a social experience? As I mentioned, it stands out.

Most of the dates I schedule are on Saturdays and Sundays, but that’s actually because of my crazy schedule. The weekend is the only real window I have. Also, during the weekdays, I’m likely to be interrupted by work running late, or a work related crisis. During the weeknights, I’ll catch myself wanting to check my phone. Though, everyone is fighting against that in the dating scene. We literally met on our phones, it’s tough to step back on that.

THE SECOND DATE

Ideally, I’d like to follow the Aziz Ansari Rule—

Have a two date minimum, never disqualify someone after a first date.

But… I don’t have time for that.

I oscillate between (1) everyone deserving a second chance or (2) a “HELL YES” / “No, but thanks.” I don’t have the luxury of time. It’s tough when you’re dealing with people though, because I’ve been on the other side where I don’t get the second date — that second chance — and it sucks.

Two things that determine whether I go on a second date:

Was there a physical spark there?
Was there meaningful conversation that we’re both engaged in?

Even for short term relationships, I want something with emotional depth. And by the end of the second date, you exist the realm of online dating, and begin to really feel out the possibilities.

GHOSTING

I’ve only ghosted once. Great coffee date, we talked for 3 hours. At the end, I said we should do this again. That evening, she gave me her number through the app, and said ‘If you want to meet up again, text me.’ But within the next day or so, I realized I didn’t want to be dating at the moment, so I just didn’t respond. I didn’t want to text her to let her know I didn’t want to see her again. That was the extent of it.

Lightning Round

Platform of choice? Hinge
Staple first date outfit? Jeans and a tee shirt, with chucks (color depends on the season)
The biggest redflags on women’s profiles? That tiger photo, height restrictions, excessive top angle photo cleavage
Kiss or no kiss on a first date? Gut says no, but there are exceptions
Something you notice that are just NOS!: high, high heels if we’re meeting up in the middle of the day
Body part on your date you notice first? Eyes
Do you let women pay? Yes
On average how many dates do you go on per month? Four
Do you have a go-to spot? Coffee shop, but not one in particular
What are your three non-negotiables? (1) Stimulating conversation, (2) playfulness, (3) openness