This post is going to be deeply personal and will be a huge overshare, but breastfeeding is a beast, getting started feels impossible, and I feel very passionate about sharing openly and honestly about my experience so far. Every baby is different, and no one will have the same set of obstacles that we did, however, my hope is that maybe this post will help a new momma or a momma-to-be. As a word of encouragement. Or not to feel so alone with their own struggle.
We got off to a rocky start. I had read the books, taken the classes, and very little of it helped once it came time to feed my baby for the first time. Naomi’s birthweight was 5lb 12oz. That is very small — like 7th percentile small (if you’re wondering, no — she was not born early, she was born at 39w6d). From the get-go Naomi had a strong suck, a decent latch — albeit on one side only — and had no serious lip or tongue ties. And with all of that in our corner, we still had difficulties….
Triple Duty Hell
I don’t remember it very well, as it was the most stressful and exhausting week of my life. But what I do remember is not sleeping, not eating, and constantly crying. I was *this close* to having a psychotic breakdown, and felt totally worthless, like I couldn’t handle the overwhelming task of simply feeding my child. You know, keeping her alive? Here’s how it all started;
As soon as the clock struck 2:55am on December 5th, the nursing staff and a lactation consultant barged into our recovery room to conduct Naomi’s 24 hour of life evaluation. She dropped to 5lb 8oz. Next thing I knew, I was asked to feed my baby so the LC could see ‘what the problem was.’ I was basically told I wasn’t doing a good enough job feeding, and that’s when the pumping and finger feeding via a syringe madness started…. the LC wheeled in a hospital grade Medela pump, the parts to go with it, and spent the next hour with us, going over the new feeding plan. This is literally happening at 4AM, in case you were wondering. New plan: I need to begin pumping around the clock, use a curved tip syringe to suck up the tiny bits of colostrum, and then finger feed my daughter like a baby bird with said syringe. Did I mention that I didn’t purchase a handsfree pumping bra prior to giving birth? Gah! ** pro-tip: pack a hands-free pumping bra in your hospital bag, even if you don’t think you’ll need it***
When Naomi was three days old, we had our first pediatrician appointment. Naomi had dropped to 5lb 4oz. The pediatrician casually dropped the F bomb (formula), and I felt like I failed before we even got started. I began sobbing. Naomi lost close to 10% of her body weight, which IS NORMAL, but was alarming as she was so small to begin with. I was told she should be drinking up to 2 ounces per feeding. And that’s when feeding my baby with a syringe came to an end. It was time to start a bottle, which was something I was told you really shouldn’t introduce for the first month, or as long as possible — you want to avoid nipple confusion. Fuck that phrase. I never want to hear it again. Every time we gave my baby a bottle, I worried endlessly that she would refuse the breast at the next feeding. She didn’t. And I’m convinced nipple confusion is a made up term by LC’s.
We had a private LC come to the house. She put me on triple duty. If you’re unfamiliar with what that is, let me explain what that means: at each feeding you (1) bring baby to breast, giving the baby a chance to feed, if they don’t go the full 15 minutes at each breast — another breastfeeding myth, I would soon learn (I’ve yet to meet a mother whose baby is capable of doing this within the first week of life) — (2) then give the baby a supplement bottle of pumped milk (anywhere from 1/2 ounce to the full 2 ounces — depending how long they were at your breast, figuring out this math can be madness because it’s impossible to know how much your baby took at the breast and how much they’ll need in their supplement bottle), and (3) then you need to pump in order to make up for the lack of stimulation, and of course so you have milk for the next feeding.
If you’re curious how long triple duty takes, the answer is over an hour PER FEEDING, sometimes close to 90 minutes. And you need to feed your baby 8-12 times a day. Think about that for a moment. That’s 12-15 hours per day dedicated to feeding your baby. It was madness. It SUCKED. Sometimes I would try to shorten the time by feeding the baby while pumping. It’s quite difficult and makes for an aggravating time. Triple duty also leaves you with NO time in between feeds to take care of yourself. You know, basic things like sleep, eat, shower, etc. Which you need to do if you want to keep up your supply (yet another thing to worry about).
By the time we had our next pediatrician appointment, Naomi was six days old, I was burnt the f*ck out. But the good news? Naomi was back up to her birth weight (!!!). But I was barely keeping up with the demand, my milk had just come in. Sitting in the waiting room, I knew I was only one bottle ahead of my baby, and skipping a pumping session was not an option. My mother and I walked over to the Breast Feeding Center afterwards to meet with another LC. After watching me attempt a full feeding, she gave the same basic advice as my private LC — triple duty. But this time, I was advised to give the baby a bottle first as an appetizer, perhaps 1 ounce to take the edge off Naomi’s hunger / impatience, and spend no more than 10 minutes trying to get an efficient latch afterwards. Oh yeah, and then pump. Feedings were still taking a very long time (45-75 minutes). And the baby was starting to get lazy, she was depending on her bottles. And the baby was starting to get exhausted, she was overworked from just simply trying to eat. So she knew if she screamed long enough, I would shove my hard and overfull boobs back into my nursing bra and give her a bottle. It was awful.
The One Valuable Takeaway
I didn’t really get much from either of the LC’s I saw (that’s another long story), but what I loved was this…. it gave me hope and courage, and a little bit of my sanity back.
- Fed is Best
- Protect the Supply
- Finesse the Breast
Maybe it seemed silly, but it made me breathe a bit easier. I don’t know.
My Good For Nothing Right Breast, The Right Breast Saga
And to make matters worse, from the get-go, the baby was having a lot of trouble latching on my right side. The tissue around my right nipple was denser (so they say), and made it super challenging for a teeny tiny baby to latch onto when I’d attempt to ‘make a breast sandwich.’ This only added to the frustration. I would try and try and try. She’d latch for maybe 2 minutes and that was all I’d get. It sucked (no pun intended). But at some point, between all the pumping — or maybe it the baby was just getting better at nursing, or maybe a combination of the two — my right nipple no longer became an issue, she began latching just fine. But not every time…
COLD TURKEY
One of my cousins breastfed each of her three kids for their first year of life. She has been an invaluable resource. I’ve called her in tears more times than I can count. I had a two hour conversation with her when Naomi was just shy of 1 month. The very next day we went cold turkey with the supplement bottles. And just like that, the baby knew what was up; it was feed at my breast or starve. We went from a supplement bottle at every feed (8-12 times a day) to only one evening bottle. It was miraculous and I could cry at how smoothly that went. Latches were longer and better, almost immediately. At this point we had already purchased a baby scale. My husband and I weighed the baby multiple times a day to ensure she was hitting her 4-7 ounce weekly weight gain. Miraculously, she was. Not only that, but she was producing enough wet diapers, which is another key indicator your baby is feeding enough. It was working, and it was beautiful. I cut pumping down to once a day, enough for my husband to give our daughter a nighttime bottle, the rest was exclusively at my breast. The baby and I spent the next few weeks finessing our technique and form until we hit our groove.
The Right Breast Saga Continues
Around 6 weeks postpartum, I really felt like we had found our stride. Though, I was always more comfortable feeding her on my left side. Our form was weird and awkward and still strange on the right side, but at least we were doing it! In public, I’d always feed on the left, it was just easier. But even at home, it wasn’t my preference. And then, due to too many weeks of long, poor quality latches, my right nipple finally cracked.
We’re talking Grand Canyon size crack across my nipple. My midwives put me on ‘nipple rest’ which meant absolutely no latching and no pumping on my sad cracked nipple. The only thing I was allowed to do was to hand-express (eww) or use my Haaka. I chose the Haaka. So, for the next week, I fed her exclusively on my left side, and to overcompensate for it’s failure, almost apologetically — my right breast would yield 2-3 ounces in the Haaka, however, due to the topical prescription I was using, I couldn’t feed any of it to the baby. Dumping ounce after ounce after ounce was SO SAD. And when the crack finally healed, and I was allowed to feed her on my right side, I was too scared. And it hurt. And then, weeks of exclusive pumping and using a Haaka as the only form of stimulation caught up with me. Production on my right side was dropping…ugh! But that’s another story.
Clogged Ducts, Milk Blisters, and Cracked Nipples, Oh My!
All of these things. Each one sucked in their own special way. Each one had me on the phone with the midwives, texting my momma friends, endlessly on google, calling my aunt, my cousin, and my mother crying in frustration. Each one happened just as I thought we were making excellent strides in the right direction. Each one had me question whether or not breastfeeding was worth it. Each one took me to a place where I was *this close* to quitting.
I’ve come to find out that the cure to all three is a various combination of: a hot shower, pumping, an obscene amount of lanolin, heat pads, breast massages, sleep, one sided nursing (aka nipple rest), and pain reliever. REPEAT x3. It sucks, it’s painful, it’s scary, it’s annoying. But now, if I feel a clogged duct coming on, I know what to do.
WHY is trying to feed your infant in the most natural way possible so much more work, so much more complicated, and so much harder?!’
I must have asked this a million times. Breastfeeding is the hardest and most challenging endeavor I have ever taken on.
WHEN IT FINALLY GOT EASIER…
Roses and sunshine happened around the 10 week mark. This is finally when we overcame all our obstacles and felt like we were finally, finally, FIN-AL-LY at the place where I wanted us to be. We can feed on either side, and it feels easy and effortless. We are supplement bottle free, hence our feedings are quicker and a million times easier. I’m not chained to my pump. Naomi is gaining a steady amount of weight, and her poop is the golden mustardy color it should be. She’s become an efficient nurser, and overtime weaned herself down from 12 feedings a day to 7. She bounces from nighttime bottles to pacifiers to my nipples and back again, zero confusion. We’re both happy and comfortable. And I still can’t believe how difficult it was to get here. But don’t let this fool you. We still have some terrible BF days where nothing seems to go right.
I knew going into it that breastfeeding was going to be hard. But it was one thousand times harder than I could have ever anticipated. I’m glad I stuck it out, even though I drove myself mad and wanted to quit. I hope we’re able to clear the 6 month mark, but you never know, maybe my supply will dry up next month or we’ll still be doing this in a year. Either way is fine, I can absolutely say I gave it everything, and I’m beyond proud of how far we’ve come. And even more proud of my baby, for being a fast learner, adaptable to our ever changing situation, and more importantly — for being so patient with me. We did it baby girl!
**I’m dedicating this post to my forever cooler and wiser older cousin. Without her patience, words of encouragement, and knowledge, I’d be totally lost.***
***And thank you to my baby cousin for the gorgeous boobie illustration.***